Parenting never ends. And goddess knows I appreciate that you are still involved in my life, compared to Matt Sr. who is blowing off his sons for another holiday.
Sometimes I need to talk about stuff. Just talk to get it off my chest, not looking for a solution or advice. Maybe feedback. Definitely not criticism.
I apologize if I made you feel unappreciated. That was not my intent. I do listen. Ths problem is when I attempt to explain my side or why that perspective does not work for me, you continue attempting to persuade me of your side. What I need is a little acknowledgement and appreciation of my own side of things.
This would expand to most topics we discuss and has for a long time. I am trying to communicate more when I am upset about something and why. It is not fair of me to be angry and let it fester so I can resent you without you knowing this is occurring. I need to let it out to end this terrible habit.
As for Joan, no, we did not resolve it. I had to go and hold in my frustration about you not really paying attention to what I was saying for several hours.
You keep suggesting solutions that feature logic and reasonable rational. Example: If I blackmail her she'd be too scared to kick me out.
No. She would bite off her nose-no, tear off her whole face, to spite someone who crossed her. I recently learned when Matt Sr.'s wife requested a divorce she stormed the supernarket where Michelle worked and caused a huge scene while accusing her of being an adultress whore.
The listening thing goes both ways.
I don't reject all of your experiences. I just do not find them comparable to mine. Different times, different people, different worlds. And while I love Grandpa still, I do not desire the relationship you had with him with you.
From my outside perspective it was a relationship of "This is my father. I admire his mind and what he has done. And I appreciate that he is my father."
And for everything I can tell we stayed in New Jersey for him. Yes there was work for you for a long time there. But it was far from ideal and I can't believe there wasn't work anywhere else.
I want to talk to you and have a decent relationship with you not out of obligation but because I want to. Not a weekly or monthly visit or call just because.
Since graduating I have been confronting a lot about myself. One of those things is that I keep things bottled up until I stop functioning. I cannot and will not do that anymore. Silent anger will burn me from the inside out and is the source of my anxiety and depression.
In a professional setting I receive salary to bite my tongue. $12 an hour.
My friends and family? I tend to be more open and honest with them. I apologize for the lack of cordialness in my last message, I was still simmering down and came off harsher then intended.
But I needed you to know what our conversation did to me. I needed you know how upset I felt that you were treating me like a child who hadn't considered these options.
I love you, Dad. Not because we are bound by blood, or because I admire your brilliance and talents (though I do).
I love you because of stupid stuff like knowing every year I can expect a Hess Truck. While you're surprised or maybe confused by my sexuality, you accept and and are happy I found love. Because you went out of the way to see me at read at Amherst. Because you bring home chemicals for us to blow up at Atsion. Because you consider things like making a cutlass or blade for me to use to slice my wedding cake some day. Because even though I was going away to College you got me Snuffles. Because when I was 6 you memorized the first 151 Pokemon. Because of Sunday morning comics and Tolkien, Redwall, and Harry Potter before bed. Because at the Grand Canyon you dragged me out in middle of the night to see the stars. Because you went out of the way to get me all of the Guardians of the Galaxy bobble heads. Because you got me Loki and you brought me hamsters.
Because when you found out what hell Joan put me through, you contemplated murder and then volunteered to help.
Because you aren't just my dad, you're my champion.
These are a handful of the reasons I love you. The reason I get angry or lash out is fear. I don't want you and Grandpa's relationship. I want to be able to talk to you. I want to be able to talk to you about life without a strong desire to kick something into nothing. I don't just want to keep you in my life, I want to have a meaningful relationship with you.
Not just "Yeah here kids heres your grandpa he was an EPA Hero who does pretty good wood work"
But "OKAY SIT DOWN WHILE I TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE TIME YOUR GRANDPA AND I TERRORIZED THE PROFESSIONAL SCARERS IN THE CORNFIELD".
There were years where your behaviors, actions, and attitudes frustrated, angered, and annoyed me. I suffered in silence because what good could confronting you do? The problem was as a teenager I got it in my head I could someday cut off from you. By the time I left my teen years I realized thay was stupid. My the time I graduated college I was able to see clearer and realized that was the opposite of what I wanted.
So now I speak up as stuff happens. Inaction is my greatest sin. Refusing to act or speak and allow a problem to grow without confrontation.
My first mental break broke a messiah mask I out on myself in High Road. I'm literally learning more about myself every day sense.
Here is what I know about Desiree Shields
She has never gotten over the seeds of distrust plantes by being bullied in grade school. This has led her to many issues, such as learning to drive later in life.
She sucks at managing anger. She repressed it into silent sorrow in her early days so now she faces it, if awkwardly.
She does care about others. But she's trying to stop cutting off fingers for the sake of others.
She is capable of being very polite. But she's equally capable of forgetting her manners when things get under her skin.
She is already a walking talking pile of self doubt.
She is a writer.
She is a hopeless romantic.
She is a cynical optimist.
She really likes ferrets.
So yeah. Nutshell. I lash out when I'm hurt. I resent when I'm hurt by those closest to me. And thus I lash out worse, sometimes not thinking through everything I say. Even if I love them.
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