The world of Tumblr Role Play is an odd place. I have traversed multiple fandoms, from the small oft forgotten Final Fantasy VII to the massive Once Upon a Time. After a particularly nasty experience in the latter, I became a bit more gun shy. Now in terms of fandoms I have two favorites: BBC's Merlin and Game of Thrones.
There I was on a new Margaery Tyrell blog when you addressed me. You expressed a preference to NSFW RP, which I could understand. But I didn't appreciate what you meant till after we began talking on Skype.
I was offline for reasons of my mental health when the public shunning occurred. I didn't bother you, but I looked into it. And I tried to discuss my findings with you.
You don't seem like a bad person. You seem like a person. Human, flawed, but mostly good.
Except.
Asking for NSFW off the bat is kind of odd. Because I was in great shape when we started writing, mentally sound and into the idea of a new story, I accepted.
But then it became mostly smutty. I began to lose focus as my mental state got rough. I can't focus on smutty at my prime, not non stop.
I thing I have tried to explain to you. A thing I have explained to you time and time again.
I get "Can we try" and "I don't see why you won't at least try".
Do you understand how that feels? I'm telling you no because I'm not up to it. I'm telling you no because its not my flavor. I've told you I'd be willing to write less smut centric plots.
I never agreed to your commission. I said I would consider it, if I was up to it, if I researched the prices and found your pay rate acceptable.
I'm not okay.
I told you, I'm suffering from Generalized Anxiety and Depression. I told you these affect me. I told you I was trying to go on a hiatus.
I have told you no. I have told you I'm not up to it.
And you have refused to accept it. You have asked what's wrong with smut even if I tell you.
Let me set this in a different light.
Lets say it wasn't writing. Let's say it was real sex.
(As you know, never going to happen because I'm in a happy relationship, but this is to make a point).
I told you no.
You're asking why not.
I told you I'm not up to it.
You asked why we can't try.
I said it wouldn't work.
You cited its been a month since we last.
This is rape culture. I know you don't mean it that way, but its intrinsic and part of how you think-without thinking about it.
I have told you I cannot do a thing. That should be enough.
I want to be a supportive friend. I don't want to cut you off like I know so many people have. But I know why they cut you off.
You're pushy. You never take no for an answer. You're passive aggressive. You attempt guilt trips. I don't know if you know you're doing it, but you are.
You come across kind of creepy at first. I got over that because I realized its not what you're trying to do.
But that's why others walk away. Its why I won't talk to her for you. Because I know exactly why she blocked you.
If its anything like I'm dealing with.
She tried to be your friend. She tried to be supportive. But you wanted things she couldn't give you. I don't know what. But I suspect guilt tripping and passive aggressive comments were involved.
That is harder to unravel your behavior. But how about one simple step:
When someone says no, to anything, you accept it.
