Doubts

Dear Dr. W,

You don't know me well. You don't know I've continued working on no sleep, while I was horribly sick, or after burning myself on the steamers.

You don't know that I'm a damn hard worker who would never take advantage of the system for employees who get injured on the job.

Nor do you feel what I feel.

So do not tell me when you touch my tender neck and I jump I shouldn't feel that. How exactly would I time it?

Do not ask me why I'm not better. You're the doctor, you tell me.

Do not tell me what it should be, and why it should be better.

You don't know this but I have one vanity in life. My hair.

So when I come to the Doctor's office with bedhead it means today my arm hurt too much when I tried to brush it.

You don't know that getting dressed caused me discomfort and pain. That I am underdressed for New England weather because I struggled with my jacket and gave up.

Your dismissive nature and tone, the disbelief in my symptoms.

You know I am on Zoloft.

You know thats for anxiety and depression.

And you have the gall to demand of me why I'm not better, like I am preventing my own recovery?

You have failed your hipppcratic oath. You very nearly sent me into a depression episode with your doubt and disbelief.

You don't know me. No one has diagnosed me. I cannot drive until I understand what my injury is. I long for the independence I now lack.

So, Doctor W, I hope we never face each other again.

Or else it will get awkward when I refuse to talk to you. Because I do not trust you.

I have given you no reason to doubt. Me. The opposite cannot be said.

One Year Later: A Drabble

It was another surprise. Tobias covered Wren's eyes as he led her outside the house. There now stood a cobblestone archway with an oak wooden door without handle but a single keyhole. Carefully he produced a key and pressed it to into his wife's hand.

"Okay." He uncovered her eyes and gestured, "Open."

When she opened the door, an amazing garden would become visible even though the stone archway was free standing. There was a crystal clear spring. On one side, shallow enough for Jonas to play in if observed. From a pale barked tree hung a wooden seat swing, held by fine rope. That same tree boasted silver apples and a ladder, leading to a tree house with a slide that wound around the tree.

"I thought given the lives we live... A sanctuary for you and Jonas, protected by magic could be helpful." Tobias smiled bashfully. 

#FreeTheNipple

ets talk about breasts.

Lets talk about nipples.

Lets talk about how there is nothing inherently sexual about them.

A homosapien female breast's evolutionary purpose is to feed her young.

Just like you would use a spoon to give a child apple sauce. A breast is a biological spoon used to deliver milk to a new born

Men have nipples to.

Because in the womb they started as female.

A male's nipples were once female but he doesn't need to cover then up.

Why?

Because women are more prone to lactation? What exactly about feeding our young is so obscene?

Nothing.

The reason there is so much shame about a woman's breasts in American Society root back to when women were chattle. It was not their body to expose. There was a time where exposing one's ankle could put a man in a frenzy. Not because it was sexy persay but because it was normally forbidden.

That is how in America a breast has become such a scandal. We make such a big deal about hypersexualizing a woman's body, we have created a double standard.

We are prudes if we show nothing.

Asking for it if we show anything.

And Shameful if we show it all.

No more.

Men can lay out on the beach and expose their generally non functional nipple. On a man they serve no purpose. But a man can still leave them bear at a public pool.

A woman can be arrested for the same. A woman can be shamed and shunned for exposing her nipple for its evolutionary purpose. Many new mothers do not know their rights. They don't realize it.

This is a sexist double standard.

And not even in any way that makes sense beyond women are prizes and we shouldn't flash our treasures.

We are not prizes. Women are equal to men.

Nipple equality is a symbol. It represents the pay gap between sexes, the double standards, the color coded toy shelves at the store. Nipples represent being told we'd be prettier if we smiled. How "don't be such a girl" is an insult. A bare female nipple represents how when an all male cast lined up to hunt ghosts no one blinked but when an all woman team assembled the Internet declared it would suck as a result. The bare nipple points out that, as Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg pointed out: "[W]hen I’m sometimes asked when will there be enough [women on the supreme court]? And I say ‘When there are nine.’ People are shocked. But there’d been nine men, and nobody’s ever raised a question about that." The bare nipple represents the oppression of victims of rape and domestic abuse of both genders. The nipple represents the fact that if a girl wants to dress as Spiderman she's directed to a costume in pink and or with a skirt. The bare nipple represents the hidden camera show when all the parents tried to tell the boy he couldn't dress as Belle. The bare nipple represents the idea that if a boy shows interest in dolls, fashion, of emotion he is feminine and it is negative. The bare nipple controversy exemplifies our sexist gender roles.

If a woman does not have the right to lay out with bare nipples beside a man on the beach, why does it shock anyone we haven't had a woman president yet?

Human bodies are beautiful. Every shade of skin, from albino to pitch black. Short, tall, slim, curvy, even skinny and overweight. Even at a humans worst their body is an amazing testament of engineering and biology and for half a moment you could perceive the idea of intelligent design. How our limbs fit into our torsos. How our bodies twist and bend. Ten toes some of us can use to pick up stuff. Ten fingers that can be used to create novels, artworks, music, and other masterpieces. Two eyes to see the beautiful world, two ears to hear it. Two nipples to feed our young.

There are exactly three external parts of the body inherently sexual. Testacles, penises, and vaginas.

Breasts, butts, legs, ears, shoulders, and every other part of the human body are not. They serve other purpose. Certain people might be attracted or aroused by them in the right situations. But thats Okay.

Its about letting women breast feed and sun bathe topless the same as their male equals without scandal or shame.

Not letting their lover nicely nibble at their nipple. See the difference?

#FreeTheNipple

The Mask

The Champion. This was who I was from ages 12 to 23, when I finally had a nervous breakdown that forced me to evaluate my self image.

The Champion. The Chosen One. The Girl Who Lived. The Hero.

I was bullied in grade school. I had difficulties that turned out to stem from learning disabilities. Finally in sixth-grade I was outplaced from district into a much more attentive and nurturing school.

In six months I corrected a learning gap of eighteen months. It became clear not only did I have my learning disabilities (Dyspraxia and Dysgraphia), but I was crazy talented. I became this amazing success story and received so much praise.

Reminder this came to me after four years of mostly C's and a handful of D's and B's. My previous attention was negative which caused me to run and hide.

Instead I was number one. I became an amazing student not because I loved to learn but because people paid attention to my successes. Because I was a champion of my oppressed classmates with learning disabilities.

I do love to learn. But today's classroom in modern America is not about learning. It is about memorizing facts for tests you'll forget two days later. Its about acing standardized tests and covering all the content in not enough time. Its not immersive. Its not interesting. And it doesn't focus on helping students find their talents.

I wasn't athletic. I wasn't graceful. But I had a competitive streak. So Spryte, the curious geek girl who loved video games, pretend, and learning, fell to the side. Instead I began to wear the mask of the Risen Phoenix, who strived to achieve the best scores.

The blazing bird who had to keep flying no matter what fell to tje wayside. When my father's undiagnosed ptsd was at its worst and he began to demand more and more attention at home, I took to doing my homework after bed or on the bus. Homework was easier then, quick review to see if we got the lessons down. These were terrible study habits I developed under pressure.

But they worked. My grades stayed supreme. My horrible habits were encouraged. I made honor roll. Went on all the special trips. Got cash rewards. Joined the National Honor Society.

College was not as easy. As the American Education system loves to rinse and repeat I was able to bullishit my way through a lot of it, reciting facts engraved since kindergarten. College classes were the epitome of what is wrong with US education: Memorize for the midterm and finals, and forget.

Except no matter what your teacher says you won't guess exactly what details of the reading will be on the test unless you have photographic memory you have to memorize hundreds of pages of facts IF you were able to keep up with the notes {you weren't}.

Thats for one class.
No one had one class.
They had five classes demanding this, if they were lucky some of the content might crossocee.

Or worse they had 4 classes and a job.

My Brit Lit Surveys were a Nashcar Crash Course. I vaguely remember Beowulf, Chaucer, Shakespeare,  Gwaine and the Green Knight, and Faustus. Across both semesters. Oh and the Rhyme of the ancient Mariner she tried to get us all to promise to put in our high school curriculum.

I promise you we had at least 60 assigned readings-2 a week, 15 weeks, 2 semesters.

And the ones I mentioned I only remembered because:

I did a project on Wishbone Beowulf in Grade School
I adore Paul Bettany as Chaucer in Knights Tale
I also had a Shakespeare course and Shakespeare is rad
I realized Faustus inspired Pinky and the Brain
Serenity and Firefly talk about the Mariner and the Albatross.

You want to ask me what I, and English major, actually learned from all of my literature courses in college?

I need to find the grave of Herman Melville and defile it. His became a name I hated.

Otherwise a lot of it was information I already had in my mind palace from when I learned to learn.

My second to last semester I got tendinitis in my primary hand. Long story short I failed two classes, dropped out of a third, and got a pity B- and C in the other two.

Reminder I was 23 then.
I had not seen a grade below a B since I was 11 years old.
Since I was surrounded by enemies demanding to know why I couldn't make it from Chem Lab thay ran late to French on Time when I had to run back across the building to get my textbooks for the next two periods.

Since the title Cootie Queen had followed me from grade school and wheen my peers had to collect my papers they always made a habit not to touch them.

When I was called stupid for getting the right answer but not writing down my work because it would take me too long.

Because I was in an environment where a friend born the same weekend as I had blown me off to be popular.

The blazing Phoenix I had become was suddenly doused. The embers lasted through the summer.

In the fall when my life long undiagnosed anxiety disorder made a new friend of a depression episode my mask finally broke. So much of who I had been for a decade of my life, practically half of it, had been tied into academic success. I wasn't her.

I had failed.
Academic Probation.

Of course I say this now looking back. I've been to two outpatient partial hospitalizations and two therapists and a shit ton of soul searching to put it together.

Back then? I got a terrible cold one week. And the funk that came with it never went away. I stopped. I just stopped everything. Tumblr, gaming. Because I convinced myself if I had time for that I should be working. So I stared at computer screens and screamed and cried and felt guilt.

I stopped cooking. I barely ate. It was too much effort.

Getting dressed in the morning became a challenge. Twice I made it to the school lot and just... Stopped moving on the way to class. My homework wasn't done. I was late. Why bother?

A month later when my academics were once again out of control I learned my grandfather was dying.

What little fragments of hold I had broke. The mask shattered and for the first time in over a decade the real me was exposed to light, air, and life. I fell apart.

The thing is I was at rock bottom broken to pieces. I couldn't go further. My mother helped me up and took me to the ER where they got me on the right path.

I've begun to sort through the broken pieces and find myself.

The problem is all the life goals I set in college were based on a mask. An alter ego. A false identity. A messiah complex.

I (She) was going to be a teacher. I (She) wanted to give back and help students as she had been. I (she) never stopped to wonder if she actually wanted to teach.

For some reason it wasn't until my penultimate semester the actual reality of being a teacher was presented.

Until then she (I) had flown by. A lot of the classes blurred together. Classroom methods were outdated. Every student should have an individual learning plan. Standardized tests and the grading system are the devil. Harm none.

It should have been the other way.
We should have been tested on the technical aspects first.
Instead I discovered all the passion in the world could only go so far.

Maybe if I could have retaking the one course on plan building. But I couldn't. It was only offered in the spring and the time I took it the usual teacher was on sabbatical or something.

The usual teacher had been my academic advisor. Every time I left her office I had no idea what I was doing with my life and I was in tears.

The point is.

There was a girl.
She was a bright champion of her people. A Moses.
Moses was going to graduate and teach. After five years she was going to go to law school. Then she would become an education lobbyist. She would advocate for students of all wakes, but especially her people. She would expose all the flaws.

The  she would become president.

Seems like an an amazing plan. A good solid plan.

But I'm not Moses.
I can't be Moses. Trying to be Moses nearly destroyed me.

I'm just me.
I am still passionate.
I still want to help troubled kids and students.
But I don't want to teach.
I'm not built to teach.

Mom... I tried to tell her. She didn't like it. She looked betrayed. It became about well what else would I do.

I haven't brought it up since. I continued to apply at schools-in support positions.

Dad...
Dad doesn't even acknowledge my anxiety and depression are just at long lasting as his diabetes. Telling him all the time effort and finances that sent me to college may be for naught?

Not gonna help.

They bring up teaching as an issue because Texas doesn't accept Massachusetts licensure. And I haven't been able to tell them why it doesn't bother me.

I don't blame them. All the practical is on their side. And they're so used to her, to Moses...

They don't realize anymore then I did she was a lie.

Right, Blog

Ummmm
I got nothing today
Head is blank
Made some gif sets
And my writing prompt book is mia. So good night

A Tiny Purple Dragon

When I was in middle school I came by a small Dragon beanie baby-Legend. He was purple with a yellow belly and wings.  Being me I brought him to school to play with at lunch during action figure roleplay starring a love triangle around Prince Legolas between Storm and Xena. We worked with the figures I had.

In high school Legend went in a side pocket of my backpack. I once returned from the bathroom to see my best friend having words. He stayed there through college.

Legend had a character, like many of my Beanies. [Princess loved Teddy because he was modest. Valentino wanted Princess until Valentina. Waddles thought he could fly. Pinky ate anything thay wasn't food]

Legend was afraid. Of most things. Including flying and breathing fire. But he liked french fries.

In my final semester of community college, the weekend I went to see the University I'd continue at, I introduced Legend to another Beanie Baby Dragon: Magic. She was white with Iradescent wings

They Became smitten fast and suddenly Legend was flying without realizing it. Two nights before I left for college I held a lovely wedding for the two, including Storm and Legolas as guests. There are photos on my Facebook. Mom made cupcakes. They have been happily married since and recently adopted a hatchling.

I tell this story because I took the family to a playground today <3

Epic Fantasy Saga

You know what you should do?

Do you have access to a PSP, PS Vita,  PS1,  pS2, or Ps3? Possibly ps4.

Do you enjoy epic tales of heroics, medevial conspiracy, wars, adventures, magic, and a dash of romance?

Do you enjoy battle systems that splice rpg and action elements?

Do you like bad ass Dragon Armor?

Then you should rush to Amazon or PSN and find the classic game The Legend of Dragoon. It is still to this day the best RPG I have ever played and one of the best damn video games.

It truly is an epic fantasy saga that spanned four whole ps1 discs. Not just three and the fourth existed so you could beat the final boss like some RPGs (Looking at you Final Fantasy VII) but a whole fourth chapter.

There are parallel narratives that weave together in the end and it is very much a worth while investment. If I can figure out how to do a lets play video ever it will be for this game.

Joy to the World

MOM AND I ARE MOVING OUT

As of Mid April we will have a new place to call home.

It works for us because of how we are. My room, or space, is the upstairs loft. Which is actually more then a little beautiful.
I have a spiral stair case and half a floor to myself and so much light coming in.

So for the first time in a while
Mysterious arm and back injuries aside

I have hope

Symptom, not Disease

Being Overweight is Not A Choice

I write today of a sensitive topic, and one most of my confidence issues stem from. I read an article yesterday coming out against plus sized people being considered role models because they made the choice.

Let me tell you a thing.

Eating disorders don't just come in anorexia and bulemia.

There's also binge eating when stressed.

Bullied from a young age, that is where the bulk of my weight came from. Stress eating.

Until recently my weight had been steady at 250 pounds.

For years. A decade, easily.

Losing weight in modern age is not easy. Finding time to work out as a student or full time worker is complicated before you add other factors.

Fact: Carbs and processed foods are way cheaper then vegetables and fruits.

I have taken to juicing lately though I haven't in a few days. The juicing equipment needs cleaned and my land lady flips out whenever she sees someone in the kitchen doing anything. More on that in a minute.

A head of lettuce costs $1.25.

I might be able to make part of a meal out of it.

A pack of ramen is 20 cents. For one head of lettuce I can have 6 packs of ramen. Tada I can eat 6 meals instead of half of one.

Fruit juice: $2 is a grand deal. Maybe for half a liter. Maybe a whole liter.

A 2 liter bottle of soda is $1.

A pack of cookies is a dollar.

A bag of grapes is 7 dollars.

Gyms are $10-$15 a month. Running and walking only works in the right climate.

The world has put a price tag on eating healthy.  Lets not talk about fast food joints or restaurants that reflect the same thing-nutrition costs twice the price easily.

Lets ignore that when people are in situations with limited kitchen access, their options are eat badly or starve.

We definitely shouldn't consider how biologically your body will try to stay larger once you get there.

No. I did not choose to shove all the food into my tummy.

I hung out with friends and the options were pizza and chips. There were no salads and fruits.

I panicked and stressed and ate.

I don't have money for a gym and I live in New England.

One dollar can get me a lot of things at the drive thru-but a salad isn't one of them.

Obesity is not the disease. It is a symptom.

In order to be rid if it, we need to reverse it all.

Make gym memberships affordable-5 dollars a month or less, so the annual tag is only 65, not 125.

Make fruits, that literally grow on trees, cheaper.

Increase the minimum wage so I don't have to choose between nutrition and defaulting on a bill.

Obesity is not the disease. It is a symptom.

Toys Evolve, Toys Condition

So. Fun fact. Last night I bought a Barbie Doll.

Thats right.

They added curvy, tall, and petite-and produced more racial diversity-to the line.

By my count from the article on the Times, there are

7 new curvy dolls

7 new petite dolls

6 new tall dolls

A bunch had alternate hair styles and colors.

Many of them are still coming soon.

So just  reminder.

Check out the new line.

Some pictures attached, from Mattel. Com

Side note: While annoyed she is still skinny I was pleased to see Game Designer Barbie! Take that, Gamer Gate!

Ballad of Bernie Sanders

[Redone Lyrics to the Hero of Canton]

Bern

The man they call Bern

He called out the rich

And stood up for the poor

Called out the man

And gave him what for

Our love for him now

For that he does earn

The hero of the people

The man they call Bern

Our Bern saw the middle class breaking

He saw the people's lament

And he saw the government takin'

Their dollar and leavin 5 cents

So he said “you can’t do that to my people”

He said “you can’t crush them under your heel”

So Bern stepped up to bat

And in 5 seconds flat

Declared Bullshit on what the One Percent Claimed

He called out the rich

And stood up for the poor

Called out the man

And gave him what for

Our love for him now

Everyday he does earn

The hero of the People

The man they call Bern

Now here is what separates heroes

From common folk like you and I

The man they call Bern

The rich he did spurn

And reassigned their taxes for the poor

He'd use that money for Public Healthcare

He'd use that money for public schooling

The man they call Bern

Our love he does earn

Because he takes on the class wars

He called out the rich

And stood up for the poor

Called out the man

And gave him what for

Our love for him now

Everyday he does earn

The hero of the people

The man they call Bern

Abridged Silmarillion Brief Timeline Sort Of

Time line of

The Silmarillion

Concert of Creation

Melkore Misbehaves

Tulkas begins Endless Tag with Melkore

Creation Party

Melkore makes Fort Morgoth

Desertion of Arda

Return to Valinor

Mount Manwe

Sun and Moon Trees

Dig the Dwarves

Evolve the Ents

Elves Appear in Melkore's Middle Earth

Melkore Attempts Underground Daycare, Forgets Kids Need Sunlight, Orcs Happen

Orome Discovers, Crikey, Elves!

War of Gods

Melkore Goes to Time Out

Elves Invited to Valinor

King Elwe and his Elves Become Beach Bunnies

Finwe's first born, Feanor is born, and the mother dies

Melkore is Let Out of the Corner

Finwe Feanor Father Son Double Wedding

Feanor Makes Magic Marbles

Melkore gossips with Fingolfin & Feanor

Feanor Attempts Fraticide

Feanor Kicked Out of The Clique

Feanor Loses Figurative Marbles

Valinor Homecoming

Feanor and Fingolfin Make Up

Melkore & Ungoliant Crash the Party

RIP Finwe

Feanor Loses Literal Marbles

Feanor Rallies the Sheeple

Melkore & Ungoliant Break Up

Elvish Elections

Ships are Stolen

Feanor Burns Boats

Fongolfin Swims Channel to Kick Feanor's Ass

Sun and Moon Harvested

Humans Pop Up Like Daisies

Balrogs Bitches

Feanor's Final Words: Avenge Me

Maedhros Captured, Loses Hand, Saved by cousin Fingon

Fingolfin elected King of Noldor

King of Teleri let' Noldor Sleep Over

Dwarves Wake Up

Century of Chicken

Melkore Invents Dragons

Centuries of Chicken

Teleri discover Noldor War Crimes

Humans meet Noldor

Elves Kind of Enslave Humans

After half a Millennium, Melkore brings out the Balrogs, Werewolves, and Dragons

One of the Magic Marbles is Taken

Incest, Shame, Suicide

Dwarves and Elves Break Up

Gondolin Burns

Tuor and Idril Out

Valar Finally Handle Melkore

Feanor's Family Is Fucked

Why Trump is A Thing

Last Night, during DnD, I saw why Trump has made so much progress.

I love my friends.

Frodo is rare, the moderate conservative. He leans right but argues for things like birth control.

My fellow DnD player, who I shall dub Siarashi after her character, is a Republican Lesbian.

And the dreaded Peter Pan who has brought down a world of trouble on himself because he thinks he can outsmart the system, and thus is now around the house on DnD nights, is definitely Right. He lies and says he hates all the Politicians, but he hates on the left and praises the right.

So last night Siarashi was drawing emblems and one of them came out looking like, well, a squiggly swastika. I commented off hand she found the new logo for the Trump Campaign.

I have now found the difference between conservatives who understand their party needs to earn their loyalty.

And those who scream "If you don't like America you can leave".

Frodo states he would like to see Kasich on the ballot, but argues he wish he was a little more pro-choice.

Peter Pan states that reproductive rights shouldn't even be part of it because we have that already its done its legal to get an abortion. I calmly state I can never support a candidate who doesn't care to crack down on states like Texas where it's nearly impossible to obtain an abortion because of assorted limitations and legislations on the state level.

While I make my joke about "We're not Nazis" Siarashi shrugs and says at least Trump isn't a socialist.

And my heart freezes.

The reason Trump has so much success

Is not his supporters

Its because the GOP would rather see another Hitler and another Holocaust

Then potentially elect Bernie Sanders

And guarantee people basic human rights.

Hey, Hey, Hallelujah

So life goes on. Not sure what else to say about it. Heavily medicated, and when I'm not, my arm is in spasm mode. Plus side, my hands seem to be fully functional, more or less. This has enabled me to type still, though the tether on my phone is very limited at the moment. That will remain for another week or so.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for workman's comp. I'm honestly not sure what outcome I'm hoping for.

Plus side I was able to transcribe a new piece of original fiction. Which reminds me, big news.

I have a new blog! Not a day to day life hum drum blog. But The Nevaeh Agency Archive, a collection of short stories and narratives and such that take place in a universe of my own creation. Well, its Urban Fantasy. For those wondering, the difference between Fantasy are:

Fantasy: Any Genre consisting of things that are considered impossible, usually magical in nature.

High Fantasy: Tolkien level of world creation.

Urban Fantasy: Toss a fantasy filter on a world much like our own.

So, without further ado, you can check out two pieces of original work-three, if I can get internet to work with me, at the following address:

The Nevaeh Agency Archive

Days Go By

So here I am.
Presently on prescription meds that make me useless.
Because otherwise my right arm is useless.
And I'm right handed.

Occurred at work. Because of work.
Work playing games "Oh you should go to out guys just a few minutes away we use them a lot" For the office maybe. For me its an hour out.
I should call their workmans comp office.
Who can't do much but suggest locations even further.

Maybe a pinched nerve issue. Spreading spasms of pain.

Might get eligible for workman's comp. Might have to fight for it.

But we're seeing a place tomorrow.

A Defense of Murder

Where does one begin when stating their client is not guilty? The answer is very simple. The accused did not commit murder, because had the deceased acted differently he could have avoided death. All the accused did was act on human instinct, and that cannot be his fault. It was the deceased whose choices shaped the even that occurred.

It was late that night, and he took a short cut through an isolated area. He had been out drinking, wore headphones, and carried a good many items, making himself the perfect target. It would seem the area was not safe, given he is now the deceased. Anyone of these decisions could have changed his fate.

Or what of past wishes? The deceased was known to be depressed, and an alcoholic at that. Had he attempted suicide in the past? Did he have suicidal thoughts? Did the deceased ever utter the words “I wish I was dead”? Perhaps the dead man wanted to die. Maybe he went into that ally with the intent to be killed. Is the accused truly responsible for the deceased’s desires or bad decisions?

It might be said there’s no proof the deceased had it coming. But is there any proof he didn’t? If he’d been armed or fought back harder, the deceased might have made it home that night, alive and unharmed.

Perhaps if the deceased had traveled with a friend, he would not have been in the same danger. If he hadn’t been drinking, he would not have had the drunken swagger that marked him as vulnerable. If he had taken a cab home, the accused wouldn’t have had the chance to strike. The dead man could have take a safer route home, and avoided his killer all together. If he had dressed differently, sporting Kevlar or armor, he might still be alive. So truly, is the accused at fault, or is the deceased?

The accused acted on human instinct, it’s not their fault the deceased made a series of bad decisions that led to the event. In truth, this defense should be sound and shock none. After all, this is the defense often used by lawyers to defend their clients when accused of rape.

Can't write much

Typing with left hand

Trying to compensate

Right shoulder spasming

Right handed

Inside, Outside. Unwanted, Wanted.

Okay. Today's topic is a political one, and a sensitive one.

Abortion.

I have been debating with a prolife moron on Twitter. Thus all the reasons I am pro choice have been high lighted. And, cold as I may sound, I have two points I consider a fetus a baby.

1. When a woman decides to keep the fetus growing in her belly. When she chooses to become a mother. Of her own free will without coercion or fear of a diety sending her to hell.

2. When the child can survive outside the room without medical assistance.

In other words, I never consider an unwanted or accidental pregnancy  a child or baby or even a life.

I will always defend a woman's right to free will, be it choosing to be a mother, choosing to keep a child, or choosing not to be an incubator.

I, and all women, should always have the right to say what we do or don't want in our bodies.

Be it the unborn or some entitled man's dick.

Incubator: An Original Piece of Fiction.

Disclaimer From The Writer: The following short story is by far the most disturbing I have ever read. But it was written for a purpose, to highlight issues our society is currently facing. And that is why I'm posting it here, though it is also available on my Wattpad.

"Won't you be a lovely incubator?"

A harsh voice spoke to her, and Nina felt fear enter her heart. She wasn't sure how she got there. She could feel cold steel on her back, and she was completely exposed. She groaned and tried to move, but realized her arms were held in place by more metal. The lights were dim and her vision was blurry. There was a form on the other side of the table, a man she thought, in white. A lab coat maybe.

She turned her head and her eyes grew wide. As blurry as things were she could see a series of dimly lit tubes. Forms were floating inside them, and a fifth was empty. For me. The terrifying thought was interrupted by a sudden pain between her legs. Nina gasped as her vision cleared with the shock and she glanced back down. There was a man in a lab coat as she had guessed, and he was crouched between her legs.

     Her horror grew as she saw the machine behind him. There was a tube, a thick one made of plastic, and she realized abruptly as she followed it with her eyes that the man was shoving it inside her. She tried to call out but only a whimper left her. Something sharp jabbed her inside and Nina's body went rigid. She had been happier when she wasn't aware of these parts of her body.

     The man in the lab coat moved back to the machine and began to touch buttons, humming.

"It will be a brilliant experiment," He spoke, "But I found only a woman's body has what is needed for it to grow..."

"Stop...." Nina whispered weakly.

       Suddenly a door burst open and light made it hard to see. She could hear yelling, gun fire. The sound of a body falling. A sudden pain-someone trying to pull the tube from the mechanism out. A scream left her, and she fainted.

Six months later.

"Nina? There have been...complications."

Nina was alarmed at the words to say the least. She and the other four girls had been taken to a hospital on Mars That was where she lived, after Earth had become too populated many had gone there. The overpopulation issue had spiked in 2050 and efforts to settle the other planets began.

Mars, the red planet, had been settled by those who wanted to go to a simpler life of faith and family. Nina had never seen Earth, for she had been born on red soil.

She and the other four women had been experiments, victims of a madman working on nanobot experiments. Nina hadn't interacted with any of them since, but suspected they too had been kept in the hospital since their "rescue".

The nightmare hadn't ended. She'd wanted to remove the implanted experiment the lunatic had placed inside her, but the Council of Mars had rejected her request out of hand. Since then her body had stretched and changed to accommodate the unknown presence within her, her senses had gone nuts, and Nina couldn't keep any food down.

So the fact that this nurse came in and said they had bad news while she was emaciated and exhausted was not a good omen.

"What?" Nina murmured weakly.

"Well, the first of the other women who was experimented on..." She smiled, "It went fine. The newborn is being observed and she was sent home."

"New born...?" Nina's eyes widened and she stared at her traitorous body. Her ribs were visible these days but her stomach was bloated. The thing the mad scientist had implanted in her was killing her, and they were talking about it like the most beautiful thing in the world.

"The second woman however-her cervix was damaged during the implantation, and she and the organism died when it attempted to leave her."

Nina's mouth went dry as the nurse continued. One of the other captives was dead. Cervical damage-she had retained that too. The doctors had said when they tore out the implanting tube from within her, there had been a feature activated to stop them. They said she'd lost a lot of blood.

"So when are you removing it?" Nina whispered.

"It?" The nurse seemed surprised, "What it?"

"The thing that madman made me and incubator for!" She snapped, "The thing inside me that is killing me!"

"Oh, you misunderstood," the nurse smiled, "The doctors need to do more tests. We'd hate to lose you two as well!"

"There is no two!" Nina cried out, anger bubbling over, "There is me! I want to live! I'm not willing to risk dying for something I had no say in!"

"One of the other girls said that," The woman sighed, "The first will be back to pick hers up once we're done doing tests. We were so sad the other one didn't want to keep hers."

"So what you're saying-" Nina felt her eyes narrow and her breath catch, "Is I am expected to risk my life and most likely die to bring to life the dream of the maniac who kidnapped and violated me."

"Exactly!" The nurse smiled softly, "It's very good of you to be so forgiving and brave."

"Fuck good!" Nina snapped as she tried to climb out of the bed, "I don't care if it's vindictive or cowardly, I want to live!"

"I'm afraid that's not your decision anymore, Nina."

Nina turned her head and stared at the man who spoke. He wore a black suit and a gold cross. A representative of the Council of Mars, she realized.

"What does that mean?" She cried out.

"One of the founding principles the Council set forward when settling mars," he explained, "Life is sacred. New life above all else. This when a woman finds herself in the position of giving life, so she must."

"But-"  Nina stated, "It's going to end my life. Isn't that sacred? I am already alive."

"Ah yes but," the man exhaled and smiled calmly, "But you are in the position to bring new life into the world-a whole new species even! Isn't that wonderful?"

"No," Nina snapped, "Its fucking terrifying. I want to live."

"God gave you life for this moment, Nina," The man replied, "To make new life. If he intends to reward you by bringing you to heaven, who are we to stop him?"

"I can't believe a god who gave me life, who I have prayed to every night since I was a child, would end my life in such a terrible way!" Nina shouted back, "If it was a tumor, would you remove it?"

"Of course," the nurse chimed, "A tumor can't survive outside the human body. To preserve your life we would do it."

"So preserve my life now!" Nina cried out, "I'm alive, but it's killing me!"

"And with your death new life will be born," The man in the suit replied, "Amen."

"This is bullshit!" Nina snapped and reached over to yank out the IV as she climbed out of bed.

"Nurse!"

"Yes sir," the nurse moved forward.

Nina screamed with all her might, but her body was too weak. She fell on the floor on her side and cried out. The next moment the nurse injected her with something and the world went dark. Nina whimpered as she reached out a frail arm.

"I want to live."

"You're one of the others, right?"

Nina turned her head, slowly waking. There was another woman with a bloated belly in a wheelchair, and doctors and nurses were running by.

"What happened?" She whispered as she tried to sit up.

"Ah-the third girl tried to remove it herself after they told her it would kill her," The woman exhaled, "Not the best method to preserve her own life, but she gave them the slip and threw herself down a flight of stairs, stomach first."

"Maybe she wasn't aiming for survival," Nina murmured, "But mutually assuted destruction."

"They consider these organisms inside us innocent lives."

"We're innocent!" Nina protested, "Are you okay with this?"

"Yes. And no," she sighed, "I'm willing to give birth to it. Whatever it is. No one will want to marry me anyway now, and its the only way I'm gonna have a kid."

"They said it killed the other girl with cervical damage," Nina looked up, "Mars medicine isn't the best. I'm going to die."

"That's why I'm not okay with it," the woman reached for her hand, "I am so sorry. I know its not much but I'll stay by you. I think we're do out about the same time. Maybe a miracle will happen and we can walk out together. Me with my new...and you, free. We could stick together."

"You're optimistic," Nina paused, "What's your name?"

"Hope," she smiled gently, "you?"

"Nina," Nina heard a beeping noise outside, an uninterrupted tone. The stair girl was dead. "If I am to die and these are my last days," her voice cracked, "I could use a friend."

"Then a friend you have," Hope reached out and took her hand, "Pleased to meet you Nina."

Three months later

Hope came to Nina daily after that, and they talked. She even taught Nina tricks to keep down her food. Hope had been returning from a rally when she'd been snatched, because while she had been raised a good church girl, she had questions about how the Council ran things. Nina never had before their current predicament. By now she'd torn off and throw away her crucifix.

Hope was there when it started. Nina hadn't know what was happening, only she had a sudden pain in her abdomen.

"Nina-you're bleeding!" Hope cried out and rolled to the door, "Doctors! It's happening!"

"Hope?" Nina whimpered as her head began to spin. Another pain rang through her, and she screamed.

"Nina! I'm here!" Hope began to wheel back to her as doctors and nurses entered. Suddenly the other woman was crying out as well. It's happening.  

Hope had guessed they'd go into delivery around the same time. Half the medical team split off to push her out of the room, and the other half remained with Nina.
"Nina!" Hope cried out, "I'll be there! When you make it through!" She called before yelling out again. Nina managed to make a meek smile as they placed a mask over her to drug her for the procedure. I'm not, Hope. You know that. But thank you for being my friend when the rest of the world decided I wasn't worthy to live.

Yet some time later, Nina was surprised to open her eyes again. There was a machine beeping next to her, and a nurse filling out a form. She glanced down and saw her stomach was shrunken in, and despite her body aching, she let out a weak sob of joy. It was over.

"Hello, Nina!" The nurse chimed, "It seems God didn't want you yet after all."
"And the...thing?" She gestured to her empty stomach.
"A newborn baby boy! Would you like to meet him?"
"Given he tried to murder me from within the womb and his creation is associated with the worst memories of my life? No, I never want to see him," she murmured bitterly, "Where's Hope?"

The air was pregnant with unsaid words, and Nina sat up to look at the nuse. Suddenly her perkiness, which she had worn even when telling Nina she would most likely die giving birth to that horrible man's creation, was gone.

"She...didn't make it. Something went wrong during the delivery, and she suffered a Uterine Rupture. Her daughter is healthy, if motherless..."

Nina didn't hear the rest. None of the rest mattered. Her eyes widened and before she thought she was done crying. Now-now the tears came back like the tide as she stared out the window. Hope is dead.

_____________________________________________________________________________

While the events in this story are fictional, the possibility isn't that far from reality. According to the CDC, within the United States about 650 women die each year due to complications of their pregnancy. By proclaiming a 'pro-life' stance and forcing a pregnant woman under any circumstance to carry the organism growing inside her to term, her life is at risk to become one of those six hundred and fifty women. You are asking her to risk death in order to bring a helpless child into the world, who she can't keep even if she wants to if the pale rider comes knocking.

Vote for Trump and The Terrorists Win

Trump won the Nevada Primary and continues to have a bizarre amount of popularity.

Now, I've never been a fan of the Republican party-I started a dystopian story when I was 14 where the villains were called pachyderms. As l have grown, and being a wiccan and bisexual college educated female, I continue to veer away. However I do familiarize myself with my political opponents. The GOP has always been filled with narrow minded bigots who only look out for big business, white males, and the rich. But have they always been so blatantly racist? Or dare I say it, evil?

Lets look at the main contenders for GOP nomination for the upcoming presidential election:

• Ben Carson, barely. Possibly the GOP pointing out that they do to know black people and thus are not racist. Brain Surgeon who believes in the bible.
• Rubio: Not gonna lie, all l know is that he is a classic Republican who believes women only exist to make babies. I don't even know if Rubio is his first or last name, not memorable
• Raphael Edward "Ted" Cruz: the Canadian born son of a naturalized canadian mother. Thus he is ineligible for Oval Office. Once could be wrong, but then I would suggest the GOP run the Governator. Politics aside, he would be elected for novelty. My generation is made of bad decisions.
• Donald Trump. A several times bankrupt bigot known best for his reality show "The Apprentice", his catch phrase "You're fired", casinos and hotels, terrible hair piece, and a cameo in Home Alone 2

Today is Super Tuesday. I am heart broken at the thought that Bernie Sanders may not get the Democratic Nominee. This is nothing to the fear and shame at the American people that Trump may win Republican.

Aside from his vague and bizarre non answers, a lot of Trump, pardon me, as Jon Oliver pointed out his family's real surname, Donald Drumpf, has been on how he would manage the non existent Muslim problem America is facing. As I have pointed out before, Middle Easterners and Muslims have gotten a disproportionate amount of  hate. Also, is there a term for American Middle Easterners that aren't Muslim? I see Arabs and Arabic, but I'm not so prone to them. Anyway, Arabic People of America (that still sounds wrong, they're Americans first and foremost unless they say otherwise).

The point is, Donald Drumpf has said Muslims should be barred entry to America, supporting creating a database of Muslims already in our borders. He has implied that Muslim Mosque's are more likely to produce terrorists then Churches and we need to look at them. (Oklahoma City happened, people).

As I write this I'm listening to an interview. An interviewer is pointing out that in Hitler's Germany, Jews were forced to register. He avoided answering.

Drumpf said in the scenario of a Muslim Database they would somehow force them all to register with "good management". I am reminded of the Bloody Tudor Era as well, when being the wrong variant of Christianity could get you burned. But more importantly, I find myself thinking about Hitler.

A down on its luck, economically poor, post war Germany was broke. They were angry. They were hurting. They were afraid.

Enter Hitler, who all historical records indicate was a charismatic speaker. He was elected, and then came the requirement for Jews to register and wear identifying yellow stars. That was the beginning of events that led to 13 million dead.

I add it was not just the Jews who were killed in those camps, that was how it started. Gypsies, homosexuals, and individuals with special needs were killed. Anyone Hitler didn't like was potentially up for death.

Trump is starting with Muslims as his central hate. But just yesterday I saw a clip of one of his campaign trails where he playfully wrestled racist stereotype caricatures of Mexicans in ponchos, sombreros, and stupid mustaches. In this scenario he was throwing them down, obviously referring to his plans to build a wall on America's southern border and somehow making Mexico pay for it.

(In the distance you hear Mexico laughing and reconsidering releasing El Chapo to finish the job he once promised to do. Just Kidding. Maybe. I have no sources to verify but it wouldn't surprise me)

How did Racism and Racist Hate become so chic? How is it the lead G.O.P. runner has been publicly endorsed by the K.K.K.?

The answer is the 9/11 attacks by Al Qaeda. Even as I write this I'm sure my blog is about to be watched for mentioning their names, or 9/11.

Almost 15 years ago, the radical extremist Terrorist Group Al Qaeda, headed by Osama Bin Laden, organized an attack that decimated the nation. They hijacked four passenger airlines, completely destroying the World Trade Center buildings, one into each tower, and another plane crashing into the Pentagon. Bless the brave souls of Flight 93, who chose to resist the terrorists headed for DC and instead their plane crashed in a field in Pennsylvania. Almost three thousand (3000) people died during the attacks, not counting first responders of assorted natures who would contract health issues because of the chemicals they were exposed to and the trauma they experienced.

Despite the fact that as a whole, Muslims and Islams alike condemned the actions of the independent Terrorist Group, the nation has retreated years in terms of racial tolerance. One of my dear friends from high school still commonly refers to Muslims and Arabs as "Goat F---ers".

"Fear is the path to the Darkside. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."-Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back.

It won't end in with Muslims. All the non-whites are feeling the pinch. Unnecessary violence on the black community by officials has come to light. While I still can't make up my mind about Ferguson because of all of the conflicting reports, it brought attention to the lack of information. Since then people have become far more observant, and taking far more footage and recordings. For instance, the cop in South Carolina who brutalized the black teenage girl for, well, being a teenager. I, like his Sheriff, wanted to throw up when I saw the footage. Unless she was actively endangering her students with a gun or a knife or other weapon, there was no reason for that kind of brutality. He took down an entire desk with her. I don't want to think about what possible injuries were retained.

"But Spryte, we can't be that racist, we had our first Person of Color Disney Princess, Tiana!"

1. That is the racist equivalent of "I can't be racist because I know black people"

2.No, no she wasn't. That honor was secured in 1992 by Princess Jasmine, in Aladdin, which was ironically set in an Arabian Kingdom filled with Arabian characters.

In 1994, Nala was overlooked as an African Disney Princess because she was a lioness in The Lion King. Reminder, she basically married the Lion King of the Lion King. Or else they didn't and the Lion King universe features an umarried Disney couple, so woohoo.

In 1995, despite the historical inaccuracy, Pocahontas was a Native American Disney Princess.

Mulan, who must have been adopted by the Emperor to count as a Princess, saved China in 1996.

Back in 2001, Princess Kida of Atlantis appeared, a Princess of Color.

My favorite Disney ladies were, as a child, and still among the top ranks, Lilo from Lilo & Stitch (2002), and Esmerelda from The Huncback of Notredame (1996). Both of whom were characters of color.

Also, before I get to my point, in 2000 The Emperor's New Groove came out, boasting a Central or Southern American setting and characters. Brother Bear, released in 2002, featured an Inuit Cast.

The point I am getting to now is that in the 90's, Disney produced a series of films featuring a variety of characters with different racial backgrounds.

(Note: Atlantis had a U.N. of a team go down there, featuring a latino female as their mechanic, a Russian as their explosives expert, and a black man as their doctor.)

Two of the best well known sports movies were Cool Runnings, released in 1993 about the Jamaican Bobsled Team, and Remember the Titans, released in 2000 and about the desegregation of High School Football. Both of which were Disney movies.

Since then, things have been looking pretty Western European in Disney. I suspect Lilo and Stitch and Brother Bear only made it out because they were mostly done by the attacks and animated movies are years in the making.

In November, we are welcoming a Hawaiian Disney Princess: Moana. For this I am super excited. That said in the 14 years before, what have the notable Disney hits been?

They produced Pirates of the Caribbean, which did have a kind of diverse cast, if few of them were central. (Where was Ana Maria in 2 and 3? WHERE WAS ZOE SALDANA I NEED TO KNOW). That said Tia Dalma is awesome.

The Narnia Movies. A pass, because a Fantasy movie based on a western European influenced book series.

The Princess and the Frog.

Alice in Wonderland.

Tangled.

Brave.

Frozen.

No, these are the major titles. Most of them had limitations of setting, or basis, or what not. The disturbing part really comes in the lesser known titles (IE, Lilo and Stitch and Brother Bear from before).

Wall-E (2008) was mostly about a robot falling in love and finding a plant and bringing mankind back to Earth. But I suddenly become abruptly aware every single person on that space ship of survivors was white.

In Incredibles, there is virutally no reason the main characters had to be white. In fact, the wildly popular Frozone was not.

Ratatooie potentially missed an amazing opportunity, as Paris for a very long time has been accepting of Biracial coupling when America was not. Biracial couples were known to flee to France to get married.

And of course there's the White Washing disaster of The Lone Ranger in (2013). Johnny Depp is a phenomenal actor, but he's still white. He portrayed Tonto, the Native American side kick. Disney literally felt the need to white wash a sidekick.

A quick defense of Pan from 2015: Rooney Mara is completely fine for Tigerlily.

Because Neverland doesn't have Native Americans. Seeing as its not America.

"But Spryte, why should all the characters be people of color? I want to see people like me in the movies!"

Now you know how people of color feel. I'm not saying we should make all characters P.O.C. But I am saying white central casting could honestly be more representative if it dropped down to say, 60 percent. In otherwords, 6 out of every ten, allowing 4 out of ten to be black, hispanic, asian or anything. I would honestly be happy to see 50/50, but.

Anyway, what does this have to do with terrorism and Drumpf?

Disney is a pretty huge industry. What they create is based off what the audience wants.

It became chic to hate.

It became chic to be racist.

And thats why Donald Trump is heading for the presidential election. Bigortry has become so blatant, the G.O.P. front runner can openly say he hates women, minorities, and the like.

When 9/11 happened, we became afraid.

We became angry, and Iraq was invaded as part of the War on Terror. I still can't find an official reason, but vague references and speeches. Reminder, 9/11 was the result of an extremist terrorist group based in Afghanistan. Also if invaded countries based on the actions of a few, America would have been invaded a few dozen times I think.

Anger has led to hate.

Hate has led to a teenager student being arrested because he built a clock and brought it in to school, and because he was of Middle Eastern Descent, they assumed it was a bomb.

Hate leads to suffering.

So quick review.

Trump=Hate.

Hate=Suffering

Thus

Trump=Suffering

There was a powerful commercial I saw some time ago. It said that 9/11 was an attempt by an enemy group to change American forever, and then added "They did" before showing U.S.A. flags on each house and patio.

Don't let Trump win.

Or the Terrorists win.

Because America changes.

Because then America is no longer a land of hope and freedom.

Its a land of fear. Its a land of doubt and hate.

I leave off with a quote from Benjamin Franklin and a poem from Martin Niemoller.

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." -Benjamin Franklin