Lonely Heart

You don't realize you're lonely while you're alone. You realize you're lonely when you're not.

I have had an amazing week with the one I love.

We had a double date at the zoo. We've been snuggling. Streaming. Cooking. Just...being.

We've talked about when I move. It looks like April 2018 at the soonest, probably May. Its....a long time but it gives her, Mom, and myself the chance to settle things to first. Mom and I are still working on Workman's Comp, trying to get healed and patched up.

I've lost more mobility in my arm, side note.

But Mom and I need to get fixed up. Mama needs to sell the house in New Jersey, get a nest egg. Bae needs to look into expanding her home for our potential future together.

We adopted a puppy yesterday. A tiny little dauschund named Ruby Rose. She's adorable.

On the drive home I got to hold her to my chest where she dozed off.

And I realized even though I've lost my hamsters, and I wanted to avoid further loss of pets in my near future.

I wanted one. I want another one. I want something small and fuzzy I can hold in my arms.

I want someone I can hold.

But Texas can't happen yet.

Mom and I need fixed.

I need fixed.

It seems like a cat or dog is against our lease.

I wish Cape Cod wasn't so isolated.

I wish I wasn't injured and my arm worked properly.

I wish I could forsee a time in the future I can use my arm fully.

I wish I could make friends easier.

I wish I could get my own puppy or kitten.

I wish I wasn't so alone.

I love my mother. But she can't be everything to me. That's impossible. And it would be weird.

I have another week before I go home. And unlike my last trip I am looking forward to going home.

But

I don't look forward to being alone.

There's...no one.

Hell, I don't even see my coworkers anymore.

I don't see customers.

Its just me. Mom. And the barrage of Doctors.

Doctors who sometimes blow me off. Ignore me.

Ask me why I'm sick.

So here is a list of things I need to do when I get back.

1. Talk to my main case manager doctor about further tests on my neck as well as my arm.

2. Find and make an appointment with a new specialist.

3. Contact someone at Boston Medical Center about the unprofessional treatment I received while there.

4. Arrange an appointment to see a new nurse practicitioner at Fontaine, because I am sick and tired of the current offices-even if I like my therapist.

5. Finish a damn novel