My Future, My Choices

Dear Mom,

Dear Dad,

I don't know if you will ever either see this. But as the story about Colleen Ritzer plays again at work I know I have to get it out.

When I was  a bright eyed girl of 19 I decided I wanted to teach. All I could think of was how my good and great teachers had helped her me and I wanted to do the same.

Then Sandy Hook happened. You may recall I wound up with secondary trauma. I knew no one, but because I'd been at a school observing that day and the news coverage I had trouble functioning.

I gathered myself. Healed. Went back. Learned all about how our current educational modules are outdated. But never the skills I would need.

Not until my penultimate semester. When it was too late to change directions. Unit plans are terrifying. Lesson Plans aren't too bad. But unifying unit plans with D.O.E. standards makes my head spin.

And now the court case for the murder of Colleen Ritzer is on the news almost daily. She was my peer. Attended my university. Took the same classes for education. Was one of the best teachers you could ask for.

And staying behind after school to help a student she was rewarded with a brutal murder.

There was another shooting in Roxbury yesterday. One student was shot but still.

Mom, Dad, I know I have this degree and credentials to teach. But I can't. My head spins and my stomach turns. I don't have a single unit plan on my computer. And I'm scared.

I'm too shaken up. I know the probability that the school I teach at would be the location of a violent crime is unlikely. It doesn't help.

Not knowing if I'd been a year older or better adjusted in my degree transfer I could have been posted in Danvers for student teaching.

I'll find work. Hell its not glamorous but I am working. I'll apply for other school positions. Assistant of sorts. But I don't think teaching is in my future. I know that's hard to accept and I am sorry it took so long to figure it out.

Mom, I know how much a lack of 3 college credits has affected you in finding a job. My degree isn't helping much. Most degrees don't these days. Thats why I'm looking for scholarships in Engineering.

I'm talented with math and science. I just never looked into it far. At 19 career options was not on my mind.

Which leads into Texas.

I'm not worried about not being able to teach there. Its not in my cards. Heh, cards. I think I'll do a reading when I'm done writing this.

No, we have no family in Texas. Dad is considering Virginia, and honestly he's a better support from afar. Sorry Dad.

Mom. I hope you wind up in Denver. You know why.

But I can't pick where I live to be close to a parent. Dad did that. And while I love Grandpa still, that involvement destroyed my parents' marriage. It was constantly a battle for Dad. It was his father over his wife. His father's wife over his wife. It was impossible to make choices like confront his father to keep his family.

Which is why I cannot make that same mistake.

Mom, I know we are closer. And I do not begrudge you time spent together. But my last move-that wound up here in the Hell House-was to be near you. And that is why I haven't bolted. I can't leave you in this mess. And I won't leave suddenly either.

I plan to visit Texas to see my sweetie in February. You know this. I will get a feel for her area then.

But I have done my homework.

Yes. Texas is a red state. For now. It is also huge and diverse. It has a multitude of regions. Yes, work is hard to find. But thats true everywhere these days. Yes, there are Bigots and Racists-but the current locale has those a plenty.

However my own research reveals Texas is slowly changing. Because of its costs young people like me are going there to make lives. There are regions. Texas is a nation in a nation. We don't judge the US for Florida or California or Rhode Island.

I'm going to start getting a newsletter. I'm not leaving tomorrow. Or the day after. In the unlikely event of a full ride scholarship to the Uni of Austin, maybe September. Its not likely.

Mom, I will not strand you. I promised you 2 years. You will get it. Maybe longer. But I need to make my life for me. Maybe I will make mistakes. But the biggest would be not making my own choices.

Texas is not ideal. But I can't afford to move anywhere that is. And Texas has someone I love. She has a huge supportive family.

Friends? I'm a child of the internet age. All my friends are reached from the web and scattered across the country. I'm okay with this. It makes travel easier.

Rest assured I will not leap before I look. Should I make this move in a year or two, I will make hella sure I can take care of myself. If not a full ride, a full time job.

It is my future. I promise to learn from your mistakes. And maybe I'll make my own. But thats for me to find out.